So You’re about What?

Online Reprint

Originally printed in issue #76 (April 2016) of Blue Skies Magazine.
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By now I don’t really have to tell anyone that I tend not to be taken seriously by most who read my articles, and I completely support this viewpoint! Yet recently, considering not just the state of the U.S., but the world in general, I’ve been asked more than once if I take anything seriously at all. The truth is, I take a whole lot seriously, but just don’t write about it, because after all, well, I’m The Fuckin’ Pilot. I write fart jokes, talk about shitting in Safeway bags and having sex in Otters; I don’t talk real life! That said, I don’t mind sharing my stance on a few of the more serious items of the time, so here goes. (I expect to piss off one or two people from this point on.)

As a 20-plus-year skydiver and jump pilot, I’ve been able to happily live on the fringe of society, only partaking in the real world when I so decided. I’ve always thought skydivers in general were a pretty like-minded group of people, and for the most part I believe that’s pretty bang on, BUT … Every time I open up Facebook these days I see, hear and read shit I really just never expected. There’s a lot of stuff put out there that I totally agree with, and a whole lot that I don’t, but I wholly support everyone’s opinions, even if they’re dumb as fuck, and in today’s political climate, there’s a whole lot of dumb as fuck going around. Still, I’ll never unfriend someone just because I find their opinion unappealing; I just won’t read their posts.

So in one quick blast, here are my opinions and stances on a whole lot of shit. Feel free to think anything you’d like about said opinions and observations, as they are just that. My own personal feelings. In no particular order:

I’m totally for gay marriage. You should be able to marry whomever the fuck you want, regardless of gender or race or nationality, or—fuck, marry a chaise lounge if it makes you happy! Who the fuck is anyone else to judge? I don’t happen to be gay myself (although I did just see “Deadpool” and if I was gay, Ryan Reynolds would be in for it big time, ‘cause damn … ), but seriously, how is this even an issue anymore??

I’m more than a little concerned with my BASE friends out there in regard to proximity flying. I, like everyone else I know, is fucking blown away by the videos I see, the amazing lines flown, and the almost super-human courage and focus it takes to do the things we see, BUT I’m also sick of hearing of friends or friends of friends plowing into the side of a mountain trying to go as big as the people they’re watching on YouTube. When the best of the best are dying, what are the odds for that new guy who figures he’s “got this shit?”

FUCK POLITICAL CORRECTNESS! So sorry somebody said something unkind about you. Sorry you had to listen to a joke you found offensive. Bummer that some people don’t like the color of your skin, your political affiliation, your religion, or the size of your tits or cock. Sorry somebody said you weren’t attractive enough, or that the newscaster’s opinion on the Oscars really upset you ‘cause “Leo should have won years ago.” Toughen the fuck up, cupcake! Stop being such a pussy! And by pussy I mean weak and overly sensitive; you over-the-top feminists who find the word “pussy” to describe weakness offensive are just a bunch of dicks. At the end of the day, who really gives a fuck? Say what you feel, ‘cause the only person you betray by being politically correct is yourself.

I completely support the legalization of marijuana and a complete end to its prohibition, as well as the release of any and all people currently incarcerated for nonviolent drug offenses. I also completely support the de-criminalization of ALL illegal drugs, so that those suffering through addiction can seek help instead of hiding. Why? Is it because I’ve done a fair amount of drugs in my time? That may have a bit to do with it. That and it would make trips home a fuck load more entertaining! Along with ending the national debt, stopping the “war on crime” and making the States a much less violent place.

With the above paragraph taken into consideration, I do not, on the other hand, support the safety meetings that take place on many a drop zone around the world. If jumping out of an airplane sober isn’t good enough for you, then you need to find another fucking sport. Think I’m kidding, or don’t take it seriously? Try doing chest compressions on a friend who’s gone in with nothing out ‘cause he was too fucked up to pull and then talk to me. Don’t be a dumbass—get fucked up after sunset like the rest of us!

I’ve come to completely believe in reincarnation. Why? Hitler died in 1945, Trump was born in 1946.

I honestly believe that activities like skydiving, rock climbing, surfing, BASE jumping and anything else that can push someone near or past their personal limits is a must for anyone looking to grow as an individual. It’s one of the reasons I have such a high level of respect for my skydiving counterparts worldwide. Even if I disagree with their positions on different subjects, I believe their position comes from a life lived with much more personal reflection than the average man or woman.

I don’t support the Democratic Party. I don’t support the Republican Party. I think they are pretty much all fucktards, and I seriously fear for my country if it continues to be run by politicians who clearly don’t give two shits about any of us (especially those of us on the borders of so-called normal society). And just in case you’re wondering, if given the opportunity: Bernie. Unless Jon Stewart runs, then I’m totally Jonny’s boy!

I’m an Atheist. Pretty sure that shows, but just in case. Yet I one-hundred percent support any and all religions and peoples’ ability to worship anything or anyone they chose, as long as not one single soul is hurt while doing so or in the name of that religion. I’ll admit I’m jealous of people with faith, as I have no doubt that they sleep much better at night than I do, but hey, you believe what you believe …

I don’t give a flying fuck about your guns. Have at it! I very much enjoy popping off a few rounds now and then! Carry that shit down the street, take your Glock in the shower, teach the kids and granny how to pack heat, but try and understand that the gun you’re fighting to protect scares the shit out of a whole lot of people, so help show them you’re not out for blood. Unless you are just out for blood—in which case, swallow the barrel and fire away.

Totally pro porn.

I believe we should completely support the arts, in all their forms. Even those freaky performance artists who do stuff like smearing runny shit all over a pile of corn as some artistic protest of genetically modified maize.

Go SpaceX! Let’s get to Mars!

Zoolander 2? Really?

So there ya’ go. There are a few of The Fuckin’ Pilot’s opinions on a few issues of the day. You should take them about as seriously as the fart that’s currently squeaking out of my ass as I type this sentence. The only person my opinion should be truly important to is me. If, like me, you listen to other people’s opinions in an attempt to better understand your own, then great! Keep an open mind and hear what they have to say. You may find a few things you can hang on to as your own. Life is a lot happier when you let the bullshit slide.